From the creative stylings of Bandit

This week in the ORFFA it was the week of the scandal… and ORFFA has had plenty in its short history. Be it Mark Seaby being involved in some draft tampering allegations, the deception and collusion that led to Chelsea and Rebecca Judd ending up at the Tiki Bar, or the mysterious disappearance of X right when ORFFA needed him most, there is very rarely a moment in the ORFFA circle where there isn’t some form of scandal going around.


At the moment the interwebs are hot with accusations of dodgy bookmaking at ChiefBet, with the Chooks playing well above their pre-season odds, leading to requests for a Royal Commission and cobalt testing regimes amongst others. The fact that Foul Bay racked up the highest team score this week by a country flippin’ mile will add even more fuel to the fire.


Onto the games, with some absolute rippers and upsets.


Gundagai Grasshoppers 1197 defeated by Charlie’s Opening Spelunkers 1295.

Gundagai were looking to cement their mediocre status but returned to the realms of Shitsville this week, getting done by the Spelunkers by 98 points. Coach Bandit isn’t doing a very good job of playing for draft picks, notching the 2nd highest team score for the round and word on the street is that he is going to have a word to the Darraweit guys to find out how he can get a few guys suspended by going the biff. For sNoZ, Weitering will be causing a bit of a stir in the loins as he looks like a star of the future, while Curnow and Neale were looking more than serviceable until the Rock Lobster came out and went BANG with a massive 204 to make them look ordinary. Bandit shrugged his shoulders as if to say “who cares” and Savage, the Bont, Jack, Merrett of the Zac variety and Gunston all tonned up, with Spitta Swallow and Bastinac in the high 90s. Charlie’s Opening back into the top 8 at 5-5-1 and the Hoppers plummet back to 14th at 4-7.


Birdsville Battlers 1246 defeated Wineglass Bay Packers 1184

Coach Tracey would have turned to the goon bag at Wineglass Bay, with a score good enough to knock off 9 other teams, but still getting done by JC’s Birdsville mob. Enright, Wells, Hunter and Rischitelli went large for the Battlers, whilst Wineglass Bay had six tons, but also four scores under 50 to show that this indeed is a side lacking some consistency as they rebuild. JC will be ripping out the clichés this week and “is just happy to get the four points” and cements his place in the top 8 with the win.


Cradle Mountain Devils 1059 defeated by Darraweit Guim Dirigibles 1241

Coach Chris stuffed up his mid season draft planning by taking the Devils by the horns and giving them a 182 point touchup. Steven May managed to avoiding swinging punches this week, but the Dirigibles were more consistent rather than flashy. Only 3 scores over one hundred, by 5 more over 80 was too much for Cradle Mountain to deal with. Rolls Royce Pendlebury was his usual self and was ably supported by Grigg & Lever (sounds like a pharma company), but too many passengers for coach Dean unfortunately. Young Hopper in the guts looks like a real find to give a glimmer of hope for the future. With both teams sitting in the lower half of the ladder, there is much work to be done to get to finals at this rate.


Iron Knob Codpieces 1154 defeated Whitsunday Warriors 1053

It was unseasonably wet at The Knob this week, causing Chelsea’s hair to be an absolute disaster and throw TiB’s men off their game. It was the small men like Puopolo, Ablett and Macrae who got the job done for the Codpieces, Ablett in particular showing no consideration for Chelsea’s hair issues, which is understandable giving he has been follicly challenged for some time now. Suckling and Barlow did their bit for the Warriors, but JJK, McCartin and Sam Gray stunk it up in a big way to decide the fate for the Tiki Bar medallion holders.


Larrikin Lagoon Lefties 1184 defeated by Waikickamoocow Incorrigbles 1249

A surprise visit from friend now foe Jose Mourinho threw coach Graeme off his game, and as such he failed to tank appropriately and ended up nicking the win against a more fancied Lefties outfit on their home ground. Mike was expected to cruise home easily after establishing himself in second place on the ladder, but the Cows turned up to play, with Hannebery, Mitchell, Sauce Jacobs and Pig Shooting Robinson all going large. McGovern was a late out after breaking his fist on Mourinho’s head pre game, but that didn’t alter the result. The Lefties were stuffed from the moment Goldstein pulled out, with Joey Montagna struggling to see through his tears and spudding it up in great fashion. Lefties stay in 2nd, Cows nipping at the hells of the 8th half a game out.


Venus Bay Vultures 1091 defeated by Nunawading Nuffers 1112

Massive upset here, with Brendan Fevola’s sex toy influencing the outcome of the game. When the goal umpire called for a score review as he believed the ball was touched, he wasn’t expecting to see a purple appendage rise out of the pack to punch the ball over the line. As to who was wielding the appendage, no one seems to know, but it certainly left a few of the Nuffer’s Cheer Leaders a bit red faced. Parker and Howe the only shining lights for Coach Fitzy who drop to fourth on 8-3, whilst Nunawading are gearing up for a finals tile, with players like Simpson, JPK, Nicky Dal and Dennis Armfield asking for the dildo to be turned into an art sculpture at the Maroondah City Council Library.


Marble Bar Misfits 1036 defeated by Mount Beauty Uglies 1213

The Uglies go to third with a strong win against the Daylightless (does that make it Darkness?) Misfits. Perennial Les Wales medal contender Callan Ward against went big for the home side, with team mate Whitfield the only able assistant. Ben Reid has come back from the dead for Bama, with Boyd, Cotch and the double ruck duo of Leuenberger and Maxxy Gawn doing the business. Not having a ruck against those two monsters was always going to be a tough ask, and Andrew Phillips has finally had a ‘screw this shit’ moment and refused to front up in the centre circle for coach Len. Some heads to roll at the selection table this week, if there are heads available to replace them.


Lovely Banks Lilacs 897 defeated by Foul Bay 1448

It was an old fashioned shellacing for Jen’s boys, with the ground conditions partially to blame. However the Chief needs to start to go a bit easy on the sides propping up the ladder as he streaks two games clear at the top. The pleas for mercy were ignored however, and Shaw, Bartel, Dangerfield, Selwood, Liberatore, Hawkins and Ziebell got rid of the lovely lavender aroma by dropping a pile of points on the Lilacs. Rampe and Rosa did their bit to try and keep some pride, but it really was a David versus Goliath battle, and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking Foul Bay just need to give everyone else a bloody chance. Foul Bay two games clear on top, Jen’s guys lamenting their performance at the bottom of the ladder.


Gariwerd Cockatoos 1276 defeated the Wagga Wagga Wombats 1171

Lenny was up and about for this game taking on the much lower ranked Cockies, but he got smacked right back into to place by the Hackman. He assembled his team at the half forward flank and channelled his best Russel Crowe impersonation to lead a fired up motivational speech ending with the iconic saying “On My word, unleash hell”. At this point the cohort of Hurn, Hickey, Steven, Jones, Guthrie, Wingard and Tex Walker went absolutely mental, tearing the Wombats to shreds. The speech worked for some and not for others however, with Jeremy Cameron and Alan Christensen being so frightened they had to leave the ground to change their pants. The Wombats had no chance, but big Jerka Jenkins did his best with a massive 171 to try and win the game for the side. He had a few helpers, but just not enough to get the job done. Lenny’s Wombats suffer their second straight loss and drop to 5th, whilst Ant’s mob climb the ladder to 12th, and he starts scouring gum tree for a pet sabre toothed tiger.



Next week...
Round 12 (AFL 12) … The Spud Round
In honour of the humble potato, or this could mean player as there have many a spud in the players of past and I’m sure in the future.

Wineglass Bay Packers v Gundagai Grasshoppers
Darraweit Guim Dirigibles v Charlies Opening Spelunkers
Whitsunday Warriors v Birdsville Battlers
Waikikamoocow Incorrigibles v Cradle Mountain Devils
Nunawading Nuffas v Iron Knob Codpieces
Mt Beauty Uglies v Larrikin Lagoon Lefties
Foul Bay Chickens v Venus Bay Vultures
Wagga Wagga Wombats v Marble Bar Misfits
Gariwerd Cockatoos v Lovely Banks Lilacs