Week 1 of finals and we had some entertaining ones, to be fair some people were more entertained than others.


Foul Bay Chickens vs Birdsville Battlers

1296 vs 1347

Well, that set the cat amongst the chickens for sure, Foul Bay were raging favourites with most agencies, though suspiciously not by the FA’s inhouse Chief Bet (one word or two?) operated by Foul Bay management.

Foul Bay defence was well, foul, Shaw batted almost 20 below average, Bartel couldn’t find his average and used Dawson’s, whilst Biggs and Frawley turned into Irish famine solutions. In the mids Dangerfield became Cautionfield at best and Cunnington apparently wants a slot at the Misfits. Mumford starred along with dollhouse and Betts while Vince, Selwood, & Kelly battled manfully.

For the Battlers, subpar performances from Ebert and Lloyd were their only concerns though I’m sure JC would like to not have to play Taylor and McEvoy onfield in their current form. Treloar starred, Atkins and Dea batted well above average whilst the rest of the team performed at or above expectation.


Larrikin Lagoon Lefties vs Darraweit Guim Dirigibles

1232 vs 1210

Close contest this, not unexpected given the variance in averages between the two for the season proper was only 58 points and the backup coach for the Lefties is bloody glad he wasn’t in charge this week.

KI dude would be very happy with the performances of Mitchell and Bugg in particular, whilst Fisher will be asked to do extra laps at training in his wheelchair and Tom Lynch won’t be able to look to many in the eye. The remainder of the team put on a very even performance.

Chris on the other hand had highs and lows and very few averages, Rance, May, Tyson, Hrovat & Gleeson all played well above their normal standard whilst Young, Edwards and Newnes have all been asked to “Please Explain”, Ceglar doesn’t need to, he’s special.


Mount Beauty Uglies vs Gariwerd Cockatoos

1189 vs 1172

Close contest this (theme), odd time to start tanking but both teams were outscored by the Misfits, shame, shame, shame..

For the Beautiful Uglies, Cotchin did what most Richmond players (Rance to GWS??) do at this time of year and turned into a spud, Ellis helped him dig, Martin ball watched and no one sent Short the memo, silly bugger tried. Gawn went ballistic for the umpteenth time this year, Roo turned on a vintage performance while Vince didn’t. Overall the team did just enough.

Gariwerd had some brave soldiers, Polec starred (two words rarely seen next to each other) while Touhy, Guthrie and Miller give Ant great hope for the future. Jong and Steven were genuinely subpar whilst Hickey and Wingard picked rather unfortunate times to get injured.


Iron Knob Codpieces vs Venus Bay Vultures

1211 vs 1258

Close contest this (Cut & Paste ftw), looked like it on screen (who uses paper now?) and so it turned out to be. The Iron Knob turned out to be more brass, not a bad thing, but just not as menacing. Venus Bay on the other hand, well actually they probably weren’t all that scary either really, both teams would consider their scores mediocre, and I am a bloody good judge of mediocrity.

Jimbo elected to trade out his best ruck at the start of the year, on balance, probably not the smartest move made by an FA coach as this week he featured the infamous nil there. Nil was supported by Sutcliffe and Garland who appear to have been on the F this bandwagon. De Goey on the other hand would have his coach quite gooey..

Venus Bay through a selection dice and played Martin on the bench with Kreuzer starting in the ruck, Toby did toby shit, Luke Parker strutted his usual fare while Hogan and Mayes did their (futile) best to lose the game for the Vultures.


That’s it for the real stuff, those serious types can stop reading now and go back to studying draft tapes, the rest read on as we explore outcomes in the Zac Dawson (who gives a shit) Cup.


Wagga Wagga Wombats vs Wineglass Bay Packers

1106 – 994

It has to be said 994 won’t win you many games, I hear the benchmark for Wombat bashing is actually 1,277 and even the Wombats couldn’t beat themselves at that rate let alone a bits and pieces Packers side.

For the Wombats, Franklin was immense, Griffen was inspiring and the rest did what they had to do, except Lycett, he did stuff all, 54% TOG for 2 points, pretty sure if I’d have jumped the fence at some point I could have done better AND I WOULD HAVE MADE SURE GWS BLOCKED AN 8 SECOND STOPPAGE. (As the lowest winning score the Wombats join the Packers as spectators going fwd)

For the Packers, well realistically they were always going to give up a shit sandwich and so they did, toasted. Hutchings battled manfully in defence for a fwd, his half score still beat a real defender. Sloane and Mundy played forgettable games whilst Lynch and Henderson were terrific. No shock that this is a team undergoing a massive rebuild.


Waikkamoocow Incorrigibles vs Marble Bar Misfits

1018 vs 1191

In all fairness, this is a game the NZ mob’s doctor lost, not one the Misfits won.

For the Incorrigibles Hannebery, McVeigh, Crouch and Robinson starred, unfortunately for Graeme though Howe, Graham and MxLean all went on strike joining the other eleventyseven non available players.

For the Misfits Hampson played a great game in the ruck, the rest just turned up and for once that was enough.


Cradle Mountain Devils vs Lovely Banks Lilacs

1210 – 1171

This was a genuinely close contest with a rapidly improving Lilacs almost getting over the Tassie mob.

For the Devils, Zaharakis and Zorko just went apeshit and sent tremors through the crowd, had fans swooning with delight, on the other hand there was Stevie J (aka spud of the week not named Lycett) and Membrey, they didn’t bring a lot tbh. Jake Lever would be making his coach very excited about next year.

For the Lilacs Duncan decided to only play a half albeit in bits and Wellingham was about as relevant as a Trump presidential certificate. Langford’s sudden absence was covered by Trengrove in style while Thompson, Armitage and Moore returned scores way above average. Special mention for Mitch Brown who took his game to a whole new level (Don’t bring him in for SC though, spike for sure!).


Charlie(‘?)s Opening Spelunkers vs Nunawading Nuffas

1262 – 1025

Not really a game for the ages this, Spelunker’s fans left the game feeling good, Nuffa’s fans left the game trying to cop a feel, a tale of two tapes.

For the cave men the Bont did bont stuff and was very good at it while Bastinac Acres and Swallow all reported for duty on steroids while Jack and Gunston (two players not one) may as well not have turned up.

Melbandy was heard waxing lyrical about the skills of Kennedy and Nic Nat, but unfortunately the rest were left in their wake, NDS gets a special spud mention.


Whitsunday Warriors vs Gundagai Grasshoppers

1369 vs 1296

In a game worthy of a final, both teams came to play, the Warriors left with the chocolates and miscellaneous other goods not nailed down. Both teams would have won real finals with those scores.

For the Warriors Lobb, Smith and Sgray all “belted one out of the paddock”, most others met or exceeded their standard output with the exceptions of Sucking (who sucked) and Harmes who missed the bus.

For the Grasshoppers Rocky, Mills, Grundy and Aish would have given great hope for the future of the club, whilst they had no real underperformers, as befits a final they just couldn’t scale the bar set by their hosts. Billings is clearly a spud and probably wants to be a (cheap) Misfit


And that’s it, I’d post this weeks fixtures here but in all honesty that would require investigative skills I don’t feel like flexing at this stage of the evening.

For those playing on, "Do not be afraid to be great."