A slap-happy, fun-filled first week of ORFFA finals where legends are born and memberships burnt.

The Real Deal

Chooks 1303 deflowered the Lilacs 1215

Cobalt kids keep getting shit done at the business end. Pity it had to be at the expense of the emerging Lilacs. A fit Parish and another ruck and this could have been a different story. Probably hasn’t been said enough, so grats to Jen and her haze of purple upstarts.

Bestest – Danger and Ross
Saddest – Sheppard and Banfield


Devils 1339 ravaged the Codpieces 1239

Super consistent Cradle mountain outfit continue on their merry way with cameos from Pendles, Zorko and Daisy. The luckless and ruckless Knobs ran out of friends despite some highlights from Darling, Clark and retiring Thompson. A fitting tribute post-game as Thompson handed in his battle-weary, paper-thin ‘piece for a diamond encrusted titanium bling thing.

Shining – Zorko and Macrae
Lustreless – Lynch and Harbrow


Hoppers 1140 shat on by Vultures 1186

Have to say this final score nearly brought a tear to my eye. Not sure the Gundagai lads have fully recovered from the great tucker box tumble of 2019. The signs were there early with Grundy clearly still traumatised but the cracks opened right up at half time as the forward line descended into a blubbering mess. Vultures swooped. Game over.

Gluttons – Cripps and Greene
Emaciated – Fisher and Wood


Misfits 1147 embarrassed by Cows 1382

Depressingly for Len, his finals campaign ended about six weeks ago. And Ross Lyon and his Mundy voodoo doll has been just plain cruel. Everyone will be hoping they can pick a cheap can of Fanta during the trade period. The Jekyll and Hyde bovines have kept chels on his toes over the post bye journey but they seem to have landed in a good paddock of late.

Waygu – Macmillan and Dunkley
Wayoff – McCartin and Hibberd



The Who Cares Cup (of Concrete)


Warriors 1153 tripped and fell on top off the Nuffers 1121

Sad to see TiB miss the finals this year. His mob were actually trying this season.
Insult to insult, they miss the also rans too. Sometimes there are no winners.
Nuffers on a breakneck rebuild with enough teal to make Kane Cornes blush. Will make a push up the tree next year.

Jon Snow – Smith and Hannebery
John Bender – King and Petrucelli


Battlers 1229 avenged over the Lefties 1063

Birdsville enact some hollow finals revenge over the insipid Lefties, with a score that could have left many a real deal aspirant, red-faced. Battlers another of those those teams that have all the cattle to push their case if not for injury, form and the odd cocaine habit. Lefties kids desperately needing some performance enhancing substance of some description, as the majority of their side failed to launch this season.

Hogans – Treloar and Worpel
Strops – Mckay and O’Brien


Wombats 1320 well and truly stuffed the Spelunkers 1186

Another rip-roaring score from a side who have knocked on the door, but still have the appearance of a vacuum cleaner salesman. I think Ed Curnow was a Lefty once upon a time, many clubs later and a blue moon here and there and he is starting to repay something to someone. Wombats probably about 3 Rozees short of a decent forward line though. Troggs have talent pouring out of their ringhole and then some. Two more years and they will be murdering us all.

Common short-haired paddock rooters – Curnow and Merrett
Northern hairy-nosed snowflakes – Fantasia and Stack


Cockies 1313 bit the head off the Packers 910

Imagine if it wasn’t for all those good sides beating up on the not quite as good Cockies early in the year, the Gariwerd mob would…still have fallen agonisingly short of finals. Still, it probably needs to be mentioned that the Cockies had the 7th best points for over the season. We’ll get your prize to you shortly Ant.
The Packers have unbelievably amassed 4 wins this year with a spine-tingling percentage of 85.8. Hopefully they’ll find some live midfielders and defenders and rucks next season.

Beautiful plumage – Crouch and Dunstan
Pining for the Fjords – Douglas and Silvagni


Wanderers 1173 blunstoned the Uglies 896

Its inevitable that the last match of the round will cop the lowest word count and most purtrid analysis of the lot. Sticking to tradition here. Wanderers have a reasonable squad but really need to recruit another half a dozen Sainters to be legitimately considered one-eyed Stumblers. Conversely, in what must be a club-defining recruitment strategy, the Uglies have largely avoided Tigers and Demons and actually recruited some talent. Promising signs for Heavymen and his harem. Lucky for the Wanderers, bama checked out a week or 20 earlier than expected.

Kinky Boots – Edwards and Ellis
Ugg Boots – Ballard and Zurhaar