Larrikin Lagoon Lefties 1192 def Venus Bay Vultures 1138


They say good things come to those who wait. Well that adage could not be more apt for the Lefties, who have endured 12 long months in the wilderness waiting for another shot at a premiership.

A full kitchen reno was commissioned at the Lagoon at the end of 2015 as the kitchen sink and most of the adjoining wood panelling cabinetry was removed and unceremoniously thrown at an encore.

Fu%k, we really loved those cabinets!

The price one pays for eternal glory...


Anyways, there's two sides to every story.

Fitzy's Vultures booked their entry into this finals series via the now infamous "Behind The Tuckshop After Recess Ya Mole" Smackdown against ex-BFF Lenny120 (aka Lenny5 aka Lennyinsertrandomnumber).

*footnote: Small amount of pride salvaged as Wombat hierarchy take out the ORFFA SC league


Roll on finals.

Vultures drew the long straw and got to play the Colanders first up.

Week 1 - Vultures def Codpieces by 47


Then booked a showdown with flag fancies the Uglies and proceeded to slap them a new one.

Week 2 - Vultures def Uglies by 65



Lefties most fortuitously finished second and reluctantly chose to face the Blimps.

Week 1 - Lefties def Dirigibles by 22


Then fell into a prelim against the giant killers

Week 2 - Lefties def Battlers by 160



Roll on The Big Dance


Vultures were licking their chops at the flying start by Gaff who managed to amass 600 possies by half time, unfortunately a monster tag from Lewis resulted in only 41 of these being converted into actual disposals.

The question the entire football fraternity has been asking was finally answered during this game.

That’s right folks, Travis Cloke has been so shit at goal kicking this year cos Fitzy has had him camped in the deeeeep back pocket i.e. defensive emergency. Even Blighty couldn’t sink one from back there!

Jasper was a ghost of his usual self and let goals rain on through him like a flailing Demi Moore.


On the flip side, the Lefties really turned up to play...golf.

By half time, it was a contest of who could shoot the better under par score as Goonies exhumed the next Carl Spackler in Tom Lynch while Venus Bay unearthed the next un-Happy Gilmore in Elliot Yeo.

Amid the carnage, Docherty, Gaff and Howe managed to stumble into triple figures while Hogan and Watts spent most of the first half tweeting each other with their favourite Paul Roos bloopers.

Thankfully this non-existent forward pressure from the Vultures meant that Gibbo and Haynes could chill out and hone their short game on the practice green with Lynchy.


In a cruel final twist, it is rumoured that Sam Mayes was the victim of a half time text scam calling on him to take part in a pop-up plebiscite to determine the fate of Justin Leppitsch. Sargent Schulz, his direct opponent, went on to bag three (swan song) goals and ice the game for the Goonies.




In other unrelated news, BangedKok fronted up against BurntCock in a phallically tortuous Zac Dawson Cup.

To be honest, if I wasn't busy screaming the living fu$k out of my troops all weekend, I would have watched this supposedly more entertaining display.


I have it on good authority that General Patton has had three islands, Shute Harbour and the Tiki Bar all renamed in his honour. While Chelsea and the entire Whitsunday cheer squad have pledged to have Ollie’s babies and paint every friggin nursery on the planet in teal. On the other side of the ledger, the Orange Ripple spilt haphazardly onto shore as Whitfield, Kelly and Williams all jumped ship to avoid testing, for bum fluff.

Scoreline added below for comic effect.


Whitsunday Warriors 1250 def Marble Bar Misfits 1188