Round 9 2017 review – The Science of the ORFFA round 9 fixture


Charlies Opening Spelunkers 978 def by Foul Bay Chickens 1425

Many have speculated that the Troggs failed to show up for this one. This is totally fake news.
The truth is that cave-dwellers have not been sighted since October. More disappointing than an incarcerated 14yr old, step child, the crew from the deep south have alienated all but their dumbest of fans. The merchandising dept can probably shoulder some of the blame for the disharmony, with their evocative branding of their “mini-rebuild”. Must confess that “Follow us into the Darkness” doesn’t inspire unity. Anyway, this all smells of pathological deflection disorder and won’t win me any friends.

This match had everything we’ve come to expect from the Chooks. Bernie eating, then throwing up karma pie. The Dangerwood rollercoaster coastering. Mummy trying his hardest to suck us all in, before handing the keys to Flynn in 3 weeks. And of course, Eddie kicking GOTY for the 9th week in a row. Shining light for the Opening is that Zerrett is still alive, a rare attribute.


Iron Knob Codpieces 1026 def Whitsunday Warriors 1013

Man, we all love a low scoring slog-fest don’t we?
The deafening silence punctuated by snoz rubbing his legs together, echoed the sentiments of the turnstiles in the Rusty Triangle. This display epitomised the scientific genius that is the ORFFA round 9 fixture, as these perfectly matched/obliterated sides pummelled each other with jelly-filled donuts.
The Warriors put up some cameos and won the triple figure shoot out courtesy of Jezza, Tarrant and Smithy but were overshadowed by the Roberton Revue. The result sees the Cods unconvincingly stumble to 4 on the trot, while TiB patches yet more wounds and prays for a ruckman to emerge from his tequila worm.


Darraweit Guim Dirigibles 1188 def Lovely Banks Lilacs 786

And they say spousal poisoning is a dying art.
No doubt this had more to do with Chris’ latest purchase of soluble mercury and less to do with the absence of The Hoff, 2 metre and Trenners. The ripple effect of tainted tea was felt throughout the Lilac camp as Caddy pulled up sore, Armo pulled up sorer and Lobbe pulled up dead. For the Blimps, Smith jumped over the blue moon while Fyfe continues to turn up in his Michael Walters costume and single-handedly steer Freo to victory. Jack Newnes tapping out early was a low light but 11 points and a headache is still better than a fully fit Vickery.


Marble Bar Misfits 1343 def Wineglass Bay Packers 1168

Unlike mercury, Fanta overdose is nowhere near as debilitating.
To be honest, the less I say about this game the better. It appears that at this stage of the season, just a cursory glance at Lloyd’s and Daniher’s scoring is enough to trigger my gag reflex and tempt me back to a former opiate habit. A spell-binding effort once again from the Bar, who can afford to field a half-paced Ward and a midget ruckman and still smack it out of the park. For the Packers, some nice young talent on show. Unfortunately, the gap between the old dogs and the kids is too great to be competitive. Yeah that sounded a bit clinical. I think I’m softening as this review unfolds.


Gariwerd Cockatoos 1164 def by Gundagai Grasshoppers 1204

Despite the familiar carnage, this was a pretty sweet game. Wallis’ return was a sight to behold as he ran riot up forward and made the Miller donut palatable. Harry T played out of his skin and was ably supported by Tuohy but the Cockies engine room choked. The Hoppers depth was tested with the loss of Rocky, Stringer and Martin but Neale, Curnow and Billings turned up to the gig with a keg of cobalt and the missing donkey from Batchelor Party. The rest is history.


Wagga Wagga Wombats 1046 def Nunawading Nuffers 853

To Andy’s credit, a formidable 12.5 players fronted up for the Nuffers this week. Unfortunately, Lenny’s 13.5 went on a (what’s the term for a lack-lustre rampage? A slumpage?) something-or-other and put the Nuffers on ice. What the marsupials lack in quality, they make up for in depth with Sheppard starring oop in attack. The Wombats actual defenders got the job done with Bob on song. With a host of front line players to return next week, the Nuna Noobs will start to shake this sh!t up.


Cradle Mountain Devils 1327 def by Venus Bay Vultures 1346

Undeniably the match of the round, this one didn’t disappoint (unless you’re a Devils coach).
A bruising affair with Zaha, Zorko and Pendles commandeering the ton-up wagon around the colosseum. Jobe, Beams and Kreuzer saddled up for the visitors and brought us a good old fashioned duel. Hard to pick the eyes out of this one but the Vultures managed to as their forwards made the Devils defence smell like 3-day old road kill. The Devils are done with licking their wounds following countless narrow losses and are off to wrap their tongues around something more fortuitous…a Relton Revival burger at the Ouyen RSL.


Waikikamoocow Incorrigibles 1355 def Larrikin Lagoon Lefties 913

Well, if there was ever a match so immeasurably impacted by the round 9 bye then this was it.
The loss of Brad Scheer to the Lefties blossoming outfit was a significant and inevitably telling factor in the outcome of this game. Despite the over-powering sense of foreboding from this mammoth void weighing us down, we jumped the ditch to face the no-nonsense Gibles.
With our Captain/Mascot/Figure Head/Physio-Junkie in Scooter finally returning to the park, our spirits were high. After a solid 26 minutes in the bar at half time, our spirits were even higher and our familiar brand of 2017 gameplay came to the fore. To say we were outplayed by solid Cows herd would be an exaggeration. We were outplayed by Mitchell and Hanners and the Pre-pubescent Bad News Bears subbed in for a training run. We have since sold our pointy, orange head wear and reverted back to the traditional “Arthur Gumby” headdress.


Mount Beauty Uglies 1062 def by Birdsville Battlers 1158

After wading through the tons of hate-mail piling up on the fixture committee’s desk, a number of questions have emerged:
- How did I get this job?
- Why didn’t I agree to get paid in Bitcoins?
- Who gave out our mailing address?
- Why do the Power and the Suns even need a week off when there are sh!tloads of perfectly good Concordes lying around ready to shuffle players around the globe in a heartbeat?
- Why are most of these letters penned by Bama?
- What planet is Margaret Court on?
- Why did I trade out my entire team?

Funnily enough, I roused from my pondering day-dream to find the mountain of hate-mail and the desk beneath it completely ablaze. Let this be a lesson to all the fixturing nay-sayers, our chief weapon is surprise and fear and pyromania.
Digression is the lowest form of wit, so I’ll understand if I lost you at “The Science of…”

This matchup had all the hallmarks of school yard scrag-brawl with the enamely-challenged Uglies roughed up by the impoverished Battlers. Treloar, Blakely and McDonald muscled in on a depleted Ugly backline resulting in Salem going “the Doctor” and attempting to remove spleens at will. Chopsticks was back to his usual best, even if it was just to inflate his price at auction. Consecutive losses see the Mount fall out of the eight and at the mercy of the melee.