Another weekend of slapping and sniffles...
Cows 1354 slopped on Wombats 1210
This was billed as a strictly one-sided affair but the memo didn’t reach Wagga Wagga. Lenny’s troops flew out of the blocks courtesy of tons to Gibbs, Swallow, Oliver and a misplaced Jenkins. The home side, comfortable with their preseason conditioning, elected to tease the opposition by fielding just a smattering of players up until half time. Fortunately, Sauce and Fyfe needed little assistance early as they weaved a merry haka around the come-what-Mayes and half-dead Rat. A solid second half performance from the hosts saw TMitch and McLean put on a clinic despite some unsociable tactics from Kneecaps Sicily.
Vultures 1388 gnawed on Cockies 1024
The tale of two contenders, largely let down by their rucking rabble.
Both teams set sights on muscling in with height but the sandy slopes of the Venus Bay centre square were not well prepped for big men. Krooz ran screaming before the ball was bounced and Sandi ended up waist deep in his namesake and tellingly, was shorter than a crouching Matt. Martin and TBC went head to head with no clear winner, other than perhaps Archie Smith. Tall forwards had a better showing with Hoges and Jenkins going goal for goal with 5 apiece. The Vultures depth was duly tested here but cameos from benchers in Finlayson and Menzel saw the home side prevail.
Packers 1143 picked a peck of pickled Lefties 830
So, we can all field Jenkins right?
A wishful Lefties coach pondered how to fill yet another semi-deserted team sheet.
None-the-less we bounded into the annual French Park Faceoff with shifty eyes and chaffed gonads as we sought to elevate ball-tampering to a new level.
To be honest, it was apparent from early on that the Lefties needed all the help they could get as the impending 6-million-dollar man gave the Packers an unassailable early lead. Who woulda thought that fielding 1.5 defenders was a poor coaching move.
Not to be outdone, the Packers tried their best to out-donut the visitors by deliberately stuffing scorpions in Scully’s sock (try that tongue twister kids). However, the Lefties snuck over the line with 3-2 count. Can the Lefties get any worse than this?
You friggin betcha!
Troggs 961 swarmed by Hoppers 1249
The Hoppers headed underground with a fist full of Blues and a box of Jacks, hoping to kick start their season after hitting the Venus Bay brick wall last week.
Normally, hopping around with all your eggs in one basket can get you confused with the easter bunny, but snoz has hit pay dirt with his remodelling of the nursery from black and white to navy blue. Enter, Curnow squared, Cripps and Fisher to feast on the oppositions’ faux ruck spoils courtesy of Rory Atkins. Neale and Adams were down on form but were well supported by Grundy and Martin. For the home side, not much to spruik about with Bont just scraping through for the solitary ton and the rest struggling for form early in the season.
Warriors 1131 fog-horned by Chooks 1369
Oh no JJ strikes again!
Hold the phone, it’s the other JJ that everyone had forgotten about.
Terry has been shaking the living sh!t out of this block of Topdeck and has barely managed to muster up anything firmer than 5 day old cheesecake. A blue moon this week was not enough to save the Warriors as the Chooks reunited Dangerwood in style. Some spirited performances from the teal duo in Boak and Wines were duly supported by a rare outing from Smith, however the tandem ruck combo of BB/Goldy was too much for a lonely Lobb. A lazy ton from Kelly on the pine will be some welcome depth as Libba faces another year working on his knees in the back blocks of the Foul Bay dunes.
Uglies 924 deflated by Blimps 1257
Crikey! Talk about sub-par across the board. Uglies fans took to the twittersphere with gifs of torched membership passes, as the fallout of this pasting set in. Number 1 ticket holder, Heavy Men has tested his resolve, and elected to scorch off his own facial hair as an offering to the masses.
Take nothing away from the Blimps here as their dour defence, choked the toes off the Uglies forward line. Stepping up to the burner were Cogs, Lyons and Walters, lifting the ship into the upper altitudes and completely masking the ruck no-show.
Dusty was spotted, combing the carpark at halftime, looking to recruit the odd snow bunny to wrestle some media spotlight away from the coach.
Misfits 1229 beat an actual Nuffers team 1076
I think I’ve expended all the Fanta and orange tsunami gags imaginable in the last two years. We have two options here: 1. I quit comedy or 2. Someone impresses on Len that there’s another 17 teams out there to draft from. I tried the former about 8 years ago and it was the longest hour of my life.
Now, Len would have us believe there’s an injury crisis at the Bar, but in a testament to their depth, the home side can still manage to pump out 1200’s with 6 topliners on the sidelines. Feels more of a “mint in the pocket” type of crisis. The way Ross the Boss is tracking, expect to see Giro saddle up in the next few weeks. After an exhaustive search of the Dandenongs, Andy was dragged back to the punching bag for another season of battery. Anyone would think that they’re breeding pornstars rather than superstars at the Nuffery with Chuck Dixon, Easton Wood, Al Sex-ton, Paddy (en)Dow and Tommy Bell(end) all strutting their stuff in haphazard fashion. Chocolates to the Bar easily in this one thanks to Laird and a host of others not fruit-tingle flavoured.
Codpieces 1137 sandpapered by Battlers 1271
The welcome banner of “age will not weary them” is starting to wear thin as the Knob begrudgingly shuffled onto the field again this week. The Battlers brigade of young upstarts had a day out with six tons helping them to an easy away win. In true Easter fashion, God returned on Monday to show everyone who’s boss. Unfortunately, it was a largely lone hand, as many disciples elected to break down rather than break bread. A serviceable forward line lead by Robbie the Gray was no match for a host of overachieving defenders, while Witts battled tirelessly against a crispy crème.
Lilacs 1202 had no sympathy for the Devils 1077
Oh dear, do I really have to say that name again!
No I can’t do it, the good book forbids it.
Jeffrey the golden child, with the infamous three figures on his skull has done it again, and single-handedly hoisted the Lilacs to victory. Ok, perhaps a cameo from a part-timer Stewart Heeney-Hoff (David’s long lost brother) helped nudge the numbers a bit, but this was one for the ages.
The visitors did actually show up, but their output was about as consistent as Michael Christian’s thought process. Mind-bogglingly erratic was the phrase repeatedly uttered by coach Dean during his post-match presser from the corner of his padded cell. Zork and Seeds found some form but its shiny surface was too dazzling for their team mates to focus on.
The Haze is back in town!