Listen up kiddies. Your regularly scheduled reviewer has lapsed into a post-holiday, work-trudgery semi-coma, so you got me instead.
I’m Mrs Walladge, the Goonies tuck shop head of catering.
Think of your stereotypical, 1980’s blue-rinsed, meek and mild, lovable home cook; now picture the exact opposite. I’m the straight-shooting, spade a spade, no fcuks given dragon-lady formerly of Starcourt Mall.
So, shut up, form and orderly queue and take your medicine.
For the uninitiated, here’s the award system I work to:
The Package award (a Double Crumbed Sausage Sanga with a Fruitbox on the side - the gold standard of lunch orders) – to the BOG, the complete game, the gun…you get it.
The Sunnyboy award – to the new kid on the block showing how it’s done.
The Sherbet Fountain award – to the blue-mooner shooting his metaphorical load all over the shop.
The Redskin/Chicco award (or any other PC-unfriendly treat you can think of) – to the bad form bunion in a cringeworthy performance.
Wagga Wagga Wombats 1239 def Whitsunday Warriors 1056
Warriors with a finals berth on the line. Trying to cut my lunch as the chief donut seller. No, you don’t!
Enter the wet sail Wombats to kick sand in everyone’s eyes.
Package – Lycett!
Sunnyboy – Rozee
Sherbie – Setterfield (I fell the need, the need for Teague)
Redskin – Roughead (see ball, get ball…in face)
Package – Boak!
Sunnyboy – Ben King (in the 2s)
Sherbie – JJK (7 straight if you don’t mind)
Redskin – Hitler-esque Tarrant
Marble Bar Misfits 1168 def by Iron Knob Codpieces 1188
Well no one said this game was fair, did they?
With an injury list to rival Collingwood, the Misfits gladly welcomed back Ryder and Weller. But, no matter how sweet it smells, puttying a gaping hole with honey is never a healthy fix.
Package – Daniel
Sunnyboy – Taranto (boy o boy, wowee)
Sherbie – Answerth
Redskin – Laverde
Package – Macrae
Sunnyboy – H Clark
Sherbie – Darling
Redskin – Gaz (feels wrong but anyhow, bite me)
Nowhere Else Wanderers 1046 def by Lovely Banks Lilacs 1305
Ok showing my hand here. Unashamedly parochial towards the Girl Power of the comp and may have slipped the home side a Peyote Pancake or two. Probably needn’t have bothered.
Package – Walters
Sherbie – Lyons (a month long Sherbie)
Redskin – Newnes (can’t even do half a ruck job well)
Package – Duncan
Sunnyboy – Wilkie
Sherbie – Ross (finally)
Redskin – Stewart (though 74 is nothing to sneeze at)
Nareewillock Nuffers 905 def by Cradle Mountain Devils 1420
Rumour has it that if you stare too long into the Devil’s eyes, they’ll take your soul. Not sure if the Nuffers had much soul left but the last of it definitely got sucked out in this game. Devils not in white hot form like the cobalt kids but super consistent with a few guys starting to hit their straps.
Package – Clurey (telling if this guy gets the Package)
Sunnyboy – Duursma
Sherbie – SJ Reid
Redskin – Brown
Package – Zorko!
Sunnyboy – Marshall!!
Sherbie – Redden
Redskin – Breust
Birdsville Battlers 1086 def by Foul Bay Chickens 1505
Ok, who the hell spiked the slushie machine with cobalt?
This is getting beyond a joke!
Battlers offered little resistance to the Blue-birds of unfriendliness.
Package – Treloar
Sunnyboy – B Smith
Sherbie – Witts
Redskin – Witherden
Package – Goldy (quietly killing it)
Sunnyboy – Kelly
Sherbie – Selwood, Big boy, Tomahawk (raffle it)
Redskin – Sheppard
Waikikamoocow Incorrigibles 1053 def by Gundagai Grasshoppers 1365
In what can only be described as a desecration of the holy shrine to all bush cooks and rural canteen workers, the beloved
Dog of Gundagai was unceremoniously dethroned amid ugly post-match rioting by Cow supporters abroad. Retaliation by the COC has been swift, with reports that NZ is no longer regarded as a two-island nation.
Package – Fyfe
Sunnyboy – ROB (understatement)
Sherbie – Prestia
Redskin – Papley
Package – Er, like the entire midfield and ruck dept
Sunnyboy – Dawson (lamentable trade, among many)
Sherbie – Stringer (never getting the Package award from me)
Redskin – Milera
Mount Beauty Uglies 1194 def by Gariwerd Cockatoos 1386
The Cockies post-bye form funk gets a reprieve. Too little, too late for the geriatrics of the comp as a post-season review beckons. The Uglies have somehow managed to string 5 wins together and could start to make inroads again once their number 1 ticket holder takes over the reins.
Package – Gawn
Sunnyboy – Walsh
Sherbie – Hartlett
Redskin – Cotchin’s hammies
Package – JPK
Sunnyboy – an extensive search has uncovered zero youth
Sherbie – Miller
Redskin – Crouch
Charlies Opening Spelunkers 1128 def Larrikin Lagoon Lefties 1026
Seriously, does anyone give a pangolin’s left nut about this game. Reckon about five people showed up for this, of which three were lost tourists from a misguided adventure caving outing.
How do you tank for 17th without openly displaying said agenda? Both teams gave it their best crack, but the Lefties took the chocolates.
Package – Bont
Sunnyboy – Stack
Sherbie – Bonner
Redskin – Atkins
Package – Worpel
Sunnyboy – Clark
Sherbie – Dumont
Redskin – Daicos
Wineglass Bay Packers 825 def by Venus Bay Vultures 1227
Despite an ugly performance this week, Tracey will no doubt take comfort in spruiking the better 4-game form line for the household. Vultures no doubt see themselves as making up the numbers here but the return of a star or two could see them stir the finals up a bit.
Package – Couldn’t find it this week, think it’s in the mail
Sunnyboy – Lukosius
Sherbie – Lynch
Redskin – Mumford
Package – Gaff
Sunnyboy – McCarthy
Sherbie – Simmo
Redskin – Parker